Holiness has no place with wickedness, so she took me off of my high horse and threw me in the dirt. She ripped my reality to shreds, and by the commandment of the Most High, she took away the lie that I had been telling myself for years. This lie had become so foundational for my reality that I thought that I couldn't function without it there. HaWaH had other plans.
With this context said she gave me a proverb concerning hurt and a hardened heart. She said:
Just because you lost your childhood, that doesn't give you the right to be childish.
We are supposed to be as little children to be able to get into the kingdom, but there is a difference between that kind of child and the one she speaks of here.
The first one, the positive one, speaks of a child who is willing to grow, be obedient, mature, and mimic their parents.
The second one, the negative one, speaks of a child who has no intention of growing.
In this truth, after baptism, we are commanded to grow in wisdom, meekness, faith, and godliness(2 Nephi 31:18,19). The second child does not want to do this. They are stuck in a past trauma still, and though they may try to say that they are moving on from it in some way, their works are saying the complete opposite. They are acting in the mental, spiritual, emotional, and possibly even physical capacity that they were when a trauma took place.
Elder Ahyal said that when something traumatic happens people close their heart to not get hurt. When your heart is stone it cannot grow. It cannot change unless broken. It cannot heal unless its pieces are forced back together. A rock can only mold under a lot of heat and pressure. This is why people get stuck in the past. They, like stone, cannot change unless the Most High forces them to.
This person wants their lost years back, I mean, anyone in their right mind would at first. They have briefly opened their hearts so that they can acknowledge that the past happened, and what took place was not okay. Sadly, that is as far as they go. They want those years back, so in turn they try to mimic how they were in that time. If they were a kid, they will be childish in their works. Etc. (This can also apply to a person's spiritual age and growth.)
The truth of the matter is that we cannot change what happened in the past. We cannot take back our actions. Nor can we take back our words, or give the ones left unsaid. If we can't control others in the present to do what we want them to do(for good or evil) then that should cause us to let go of others as well. We cant take back what happened to us. Neither can we stop someone from saying something that hurt us badly, or make them say something we wanted or needed to hear. What happened is what happened, and all we can do from here is move on and wait for justice to take its coarse if it hasn't already.
While I was writing this, our mother, The Ruach Ha'Qodesh reminded me of a thought she shares with me every so often. What if we apply that concept to our people as a nation?
What if we look at Israel through that lense of we have been hurt, but we are still here with that pain? What if we look at the fact that we have been massacred, our forefathers raped, robbed, tortured, and have had everything under the sun done to them; but while we think of that, what if we try to look at that past and see if our nation has truly allowed herself to move on and be who she was made to be. She is a growing, beautiful, eye turning, smart, wise, faithful, hopeful, meek, kind, charitable, humble, merciful, mature, funny, and absolutely stunning nation of priests/kings and priestesses/queens. She is the light and salt of the world, she is the work of the creator to help call the remnant of the gentiles back to the creator. She is the woman with twelve stars above her head, and the wailing woman in the wilderness. She has been abused in all aspects, raped in every way possible, hurt so deeply that there should be no way that she should have the strength to forgive those who hurt her. She, by common standards, should come out resentful, hateful, evil, unforgiving, untrusting, ill speaking, and filled with cursing. Instead, she is acknowledging that she was hurt, and she is evaluating her past. She is looking at what she did to allow herself to be hurt in that way, or what doors she opened so that events could unfold to her hurt. She is looking at those who did rape her, who abused her, and did every manner of evil under the sun and does something that would boggle anyone's mind. She is doing something that is boggling the mind of all those who hurt her. This is of coarse, by the strength of HaWaH.
She is looking at those who hurt her and saying, "What you did was beyond messed up. It hurt me, and it scarred me. It took years away from my life that I will never be able to get back. It took away my focus from the one who really loved me. Nothing that any of you did was okay, but the thing is, I forgive you for it. I forgive you because I know that you will get what is coming to you. I forgive you because I know that if I don't you are still going to have control over how I feel, think, and act. I forgive you, not because you want me to, but because I need to. I forgive you, but I do not have to trust you anymore. I am not obligated to rely on you for anything anymore. I have a husband whom I took him for granted; and while you left me with broken bones, bruises, ripped skin, and blood in the dirt he sent me his son. He sent me my first born whom I rejected. He sent him and told me to come home. You dont have the power to hurt me anymore, because he won't allow it. If you try to now, you will get hurt at the same length that you try to do to me. My son and husband has called me home, and that is where I plan to go."
The resilience of our nation, and how the Most High HaWaH deals with her is so admirable. If I meditate on it deeply I forget that I feel like I want to have a family and a wife, because that love that is shared between HaWaH and Israel just overwhelms me. I can't help but say that Israel I love you. I cant help but say HaWaH I love you. You are his precious jewels, his precious jade, Israel you are the quetzal feather that he adorns upon his head-dress. You are the wife that he sports around his creation. You are ever so beautiful and it is evident that the Most High has made you after the likeness of the image of the witnesses of heaven. You are beginning to reflect the image of your mother wisdom, an entity whom cannot be properly praised and swooned by the words we speak. Your beauty is beginning to shine like the morning star, and my heart swells to see it.
O the work of HaWaH! Lo the hand of HaWaH! His workmanship and his artistry! Behold his carpentry and stonemasonry! Look at how he has shaped you, O daughter of wisdom! O daughter of wisdom, reflect on how far you have come. Remember your pains, your struggles, remember your times of joy and rejoicing. You have come so far daughter of wisdom. You who had sat in a pool of her own blood. You who had bruised paps and broken bones. You with a scarred soul. Look at you now. You who once loved idols who now hates them with a passion! You who had forsaken her husband and killed the son of her youth. Look at how you love him with a motherly tenderness! Look at how you call him to your bosom and ask for his forgiveness. Look at how far you have come, O daughter of beauty.
Lastly listen, O daughter of wisdom, for your mother has spoken,
The time has been shortened and justice will soon break through.
All praises to the Creator, HaWaH, to His Son, Yahawashi, and to the Earthly Mother, who is Wisdom, the Ruach Ha'Qodesh! HaWaH!